Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's back again....

It blind-sides me every time.  I am going about my day minding my own business, and then it creeps up from behind and pours its toxins into my head, and I am defenseless against it.  Every thought becomes darkened; my mood turns to gloom bordering on despair.  The physical space around me seems to take on a melancholy glow of its own; the walls close in, light is diffused . . . my safe, cozy cocoon transforms into a cage, a trap that brings on panic that I am afraid will finally settle in, and I won’t escape.   

I turn on music to drown my thoughts, but my favorites betray me. . . the melodies are slower, more haunting, the lyrics accusatory and mournful.  Songs of love and seduction turn my stomach; I only want to hear what makes me ache, and my mind drifts further down into the abyss.  

Tears burn; I can feel their sting behind my eyes.  I can’t let them fall; if I do, I don’t know how to make them stop. . . they overwhelm me, and I can only hope that the pool is shallow this time.  So I fight them, but it is a battle I ultimately lose.  

You would think I would learn. . . ride the wave. . .don’t fight the undertow which is so much stronger than me and shows no mercy.  Surrender and let it carry me where it may; struggling is futile and exhausting, but here I am again, throwing punches at an invisible adversary that I cannot beat.

 These days paralyze me.  I have no strength; every movement is an effort that I don’t care if I make or not.  I can’t see past the moment; tomorrow is completely obscured in a tangle of weeds and murk.  I fish desperately for something hopeful, something to feel good about, but every attempt comes back empty. 

 I become entangled in apathy, and that is the great danger I fear more than despair.  It is the neutralizer of feeling, the killer of dreams, and the thief that slithers in and robs me of sighting any hope.  Quickly, quickly I need to pinch myself, wake up, shake free before it takes me down and steals my breath and turns my heart to stone.  


Anonymous said...

testing...blogspot has fucked up my blog...

Isis said...

I so know how you feel, love the way you wrote about it, I've gotta remember to just ride the waves too otherwise I feel like I'm drowning, spiralling down into nothingness..

btw, thanks for commenting on my blog, I sometimes wonder if people ever read it.