It's back again....

It blind-sides me every time.  I am going about my day minding my own business, and then it creeps up from behind and pours its toxins into my head, and I am defenseless against it.  Every thought becomes darkened; my mood turns to gloom bordering on despair.  The physical space around me seems to take on a melancholy glow of its own; the walls close in, light is diffused . . . my safe, cozy cocoon transforms into a cage, a trap that brings on panic that I am afraid will finally settle in, and I won’t escape.   

I turn on music to drown my thoughts, but my favorites betray me. . . the melodies are slower, more haunting, the lyrics accusatory and mournful.  Songs of love and seduction turn my stomach; I only want to hear what makes me ache, and my mind drifts further down into the abyss.  

Tears burn; I can feel their sting behind my eyes.  I can’t let them fall; if I do, I don’t know how to make them stop. . . they overwhelm me, and I can only hope that the pool is shallow this time.  So I fight them, but it is a battle I ultimately lose.  

You would think I would learn. . . ride the wave. . .don’t fight the undertow which is so much stronger than me and shows no mercy.  Surrender and let it carry me where it may; struggling is futile and exhausting, but here I am again, throwing punches at an invisible adversary that I cannot beat.

 These days paralyze me.  I have no strength; every movement is an effort that I don’t care if I make or not.  I can’t see past the moment; tomorrow is completely obscured in a tangle of weeds and murk.  I fish desperately for something hopeful, something to feel good about, but every attempt comes back empty. 

 I become entangled in apathy, and that is the great danger I fear more than despair.  It is the neutralizer of feeling, the killer of dreams, and the thief that slithers in and robs me of sighting any hope.  Quickly, quickly I need to pinch myself, wake up, shake free before it takes me down and steals my breath and turns my heart to stone.